textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
