i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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