Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
