I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
