Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
