i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
