hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize