Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
