she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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