if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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