It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
