Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
