i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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