Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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