We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
what is it with giant penises always finding me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
