We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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