you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
