Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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