shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
