Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
