just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
