There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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