you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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