i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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