I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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