We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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