Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
