I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
