if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
