I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
