you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
