I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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