I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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