somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so let's talk penis.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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