Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's blow job season.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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