I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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