Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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