I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
