My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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