I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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