I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
