I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
