i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
