I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
