i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize