I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
