i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
