forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
