whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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