the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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