Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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