I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
