if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize