I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
being pregnant is like rehab
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
