This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
