Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my phone needs a breathalizer
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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