god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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