Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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