I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
