Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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